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Sunday, June 17, 2012

ORTIGAS WALKING BLUES (PART 1: FUCK THE NORMS)


I am actually buying my time to think of things that can complete me nowadays, it is just that finding the real completion of self is hard to find. Whenever my eyes post its focus, it tends to shatter in a way that I can’t really comprehend; a scene to which my moving consciousness is alien. At the moment of planning the grand conclusion of my life, a strife appeals to be heard at the deepest realm of my thriving awareness of being a tidy man in a so-called ordered universe. At first the bite of reality was neglected, to the innermost complexity of my ‘undying spirit’ to resist the urge to be one with the many. In that point of time, the diversion to confusion starts to linger, away to the spirit of the so-called bohemian/idealistic/philosophical life. To which the conclusion arrives at the most contradictory endings of my so-called planned existence.
I used to live in a not-the-usual fashion, burning books inside my mind, burning cigarettes, roaming and exploring things with my muse, writing poems and drinking liquors with friends while talking about deepest metaphysical thoughts you could ever imagine, that was the lifestyle I am imploring to the world/society to understand. That is life per se on a man searching for his place in a diverse universe with different sorts of choices are to be made.
I remember once a Japanese movie character said to the protagonist while his practicing his samurai skills, the character actually said ‘too many minds must have one’ (I can’t recall the exact phrase but the thought is more likely the same). And to that phrase I remember myself being on the verge of thinking of doing different things at the same time. And David Hume actually talked to me that fast, like a lightning bolt struck me with a fraction of a second; ‘you cannot see the totality of the moon, only its partial side’. Damn! It makes sense at all! The tilting of my hourglass of life is near; I must find a way to cure the fits that’s eating me. The confusion that resembles the inner cycle of maturity, the confusion of leaving the old self, everything that composed my future reverberates like a pendulum in wooden room. The stings of reality crashes as it turns out to be unfolded, by the things before which are blurred turning to be clearer as the time of revealing draws nearer and alas the plight of transition came; I must react on the things at hand.
      I left my old lifestyle with just a snap. Forgetting the usual Saturdays, weekdays with the muse, liquor heavy Friday nights with some philosophical talks do not exist anymore. Reality came like death misfiring its stray bullets on the things I’ve enjoyed doing. The things that I am actually enjoying at this moment are thinking in a long blank just like ______________. That’s a non-sense for some persons, because they actually spent most of their time thinking on the 15th pay out, the 30th, the credit card and household bills all of that sort to which life of theirs are revolving.  Naïve for others that is actually their judgment over me that I am taking things not that seriously or I have got an immature views about things. Basically on ‘mature’ person’s point of view it is. For thinking about a date, a new phone, a nice car to put a loan is a mature man’s line of thinking. Not that sort runs inside my mind. I used to think about a world wherein everyone’s got a right to point things out, things they want to be. Things that can actually make their lives much better, the kind of stuffs an idealist dream of. Well as my confession continues, it is a form of putting objects on the blank spaces that I am thinking of. A leeway of some sort, call me weird but it is just like a game, like a million chance of a lifetime game. Putting letters that can actually make you won the price you dream of, for others it is a six letter word that comprises their aspiration W-E-A-L-T-H. A typical answer to everyone’s dream but what would be the completion of my million chance of a lifetime question? Come to think of it. The prescribe focus that standardized the goals are biting my limbs, as I walk through the concrete jungle of Ortigas, the conditions are much and much more becoming harsh. To the fact that clothing myself with long sleeves and tie doesn’t make sense at all. The furious stares and uncanny words starting to spray a tinge of stain in my modest being that of which everything that conspire to transform me to the many is putting blood on my back up; my philosophy. At some extent it is incomprehensible, but the way language games starts to mingle with my own language games solitude ‘Ortigas-dreamy-state’ the violence occurs. Eating my world, being fed up with intrigues that I am no involved with but they‘re keep on putting my place over it stacks up.  Politics of the office, fucking hardcore of faggots and their escapades are neither of my business. All I want is to forget the stereotypical bonds to which ‘others’ keep on imposing. Resistance, it is a tabooed concept on their part. You must conform on the sorts of their doing. You must put side in order not to be taken down, demotion; a fucking parasite! A splinter of the civilized world to which numbness is your best friend, for eating the shit in order to survive resembles the vomiting part! The part of which, you and I are situated to conform on their own gauge and standard. Most likely the mores of the society claims to be the standard, a way to which that presupposed concept to which it is repressed to the core affects the judgment of the people. It affects everything and the effect is vital. To which the inevitable part is the convulsive way of stereotyping. Thus the confession leads in a very furious revolt against societal norms. And as to conclude this shit of mine a phrase will complete the million chance of a lifetime question “FUCK THE NORMS!!!”

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Nagyoyosi ka ba?


Isang maikling sanaysay para sa araw ng kalayaan, gamit ang kinalakhan kong wika...

Hindi ko talaga alam bakit sa tuwing papatak ang alas dose di ko mapigilang mangasim sa yosi. Tila ba may demonyong humahatak sakin paalis ng station ko para humitit sa labas ng mapanirang-baga na usok. Eh pano ba naman sa lamig ng opisina na pinagtatrabahuhan ko, sino ba naman ang di mapapayosi! Tanghaling tapat, tagaktak ang pawis, tila ako litson na pinaiikot ng kawayan sa nagbabagang uling. Di ko malaman bakit pa ako lumabas ng opisina gayong duon malamig, dito naman saksakan ng init.

            ‘Lights nga!’ ika ko dun sa takatak boy na maya’t maya umiikot sa gilid ng mga railings ng bilding na pinapasukan ko. Sa gilid kung san ako nakatayo malapit sa baitang paakyat ng gusali, nakatayo din yung mga taong giyang, na kagaya ko maya’t maya din ang hitit sa mga nagbabagang tabako na umuupos sa mga abo na nagsisilbing mga alaala ng kangina’y matikas na Marlboro. Pero sa totoo lang, kung may tatanungin ka bakit nagyoyosi yung mga tao dito, wala kang makukuhang matinong sagot eh. Laging hanging yung mga sagot kumbaga mga sagot ni boy pick-up minsan eh, walang direksyon walang pinatutungkulan.

            Teka nagkakalimutan, yung dahilan nga pala, teka nyemas naman “ano nga ba?” dahil nga ba pag humihitit ka nito para kang si Rudy Fernandez na astig hawak mo lagi ang fortune sa buhay mo? O para kang isang cowboy na gwapings na malupit maghagis ng lubid sa kabayo? Di man para kang isang action star na tamang nagyoyosi pampadagdag ‘bad-ass’? Isa yan sa tingin ko sa mga dahilan ng iba, pero kung uugatin natin yung lalim ng pagkahumaling sa nikotina di na siguro natin mahuhukay pa.

            Grabe yung init, wala naman talagang koneksyon yung init sa pagyoyosi ko! Siguro talagang naiinip lang ako sa paulit-ulit na pangyayare sa opisina. Papasok, magtatrabaho, makikipag-plastikan sa mga plastic na katrabaho, kakausapin yung iilang tropa sa station, mababagot, makakatulog ng dilat at mag-iisip na sana alas siete na at makaka-uwi na din sa wakas! Teka di ko napansin, kangina pala nung pababa ako sa elevator yun ang naiisip ko habang nagigiyang ako magyosi. At habang hinihitit ko tong yosi na to, naisip ko bigla; kaya naimbento ang yosi kasi nabobored ang mga tao.

            Tamang hintay ako sa sa pinsan ko kasi kanina pa ako nakalabas ng opisina, sya naman eh palabas palang. Grabe nakaka-bagot tumayo sa gilid ng bangketa na nakikita mo yung mga mukha ng mga burgis at mga nagpapanggap burgis na naglalakad habang kumakain ng magnum at humihitit ng starbaks (status symbol ang magnum at starbaks wag ka!). dulot ng pagkainip di ko malaman ang gagawin ko, hinawakan ko ang celfone, naghintay na may mag-text. Wala. Tumingin sa tabi-tabi, pinandaw ang paligid baka may tropa. Wala. Kinapa ang bulsa, may matigas; lighter! Binunot ko yung yosi sa bag ko, lights na Marlboro, sinindihan-hinitit-dinama ang usok-binuga sa ere-humitit muli. Paulit-ulit gang sa maubos ang isang stick, sindi ulit! Isa din pala sa dahilan ang pagka-inip sa pagyoyosi, Damn!

            Alas otso y media, wala pa ding pinsan, kalahating kaha na ang naitumba, pa-ubos na yosi at nandito pa din sa gilid ng banketa—naiinip (sabay buga ng huling hitit).

Sunday, June 3, 2012

The Angst Connection


Dwell in the cold space
Beneath the soil in its place
Lie down and view the wilderness
Conclusions whether foolishness
Appeal to be drawn
Out of nothingness

Climb up to the edge
Wicked scenes to picture out
That certain coldness
One cannot explain as you long
For something out of nothing

But your thoughts into the sands
Dances away and it’s stillness it stands
As it runs out and slip within your hands
Searching life on the thread
Fire losing heat, arises now dread

Tell me something that you fears
Neither weary put yourself on tears
Cold spaces between us sears
Out here nothing you can feel.
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